We're not quite that cruel. William Allen Walker was born yesterday. Mother and boy alien monkey are doing fine.

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One of the most awesome satires to come from The Onion lately. Be sure to read to the end.

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It was only five years ago that ESPN was rolling into Madison to hold the Great Outdoor Games. The NYT has an article today on the state of timber sports from Hayward, WI.

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Best as I can tell, this is dependent on the theory that I received two paychecks, of roughly equal size, from my employer that year.

I gotta admit -- this is a bit jarring. I've heard all the horror stories about going up against the IRS. Yet I know I'm right. I've got the W-2s and the memories of Dr. No's layoff in December the year before to prove it. This is going to be one of those tests of the optimism I've forced upon myself in recent years -- that's right, I enjoy a forced optimism -- after a colleague pointed out to me that cynicism is intellectually lazy. The IRS has a built-in reason to resist crooks. I just have to show that I'm not one of them.

There's another possibility: Dr. No has income that I haven't reported, or perhaps am too horrified about to admit. I confronted her when I received the bill and she admitted it. She launders. Specifically, she launders heroin. Or, as she puts it, "I launder heroin... into kittens." Is nothing sacred?!?

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T. Herman Zweibel has sold the Onion to the Chinese.

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We gets lots of cricket here. A sports bar will be playing some combo of cricket, rugby or futbol when we walk in. Rugby's a blast to watch -- it's U.S. football without masks, pads or Tony Romo. Futbol is futbol -- you like it or you don't.

Then there's cricket. I've watched parts of a few matches. And that's led me to a reasonable and evidence-backed conclusion: Cricket is pretty much made up on the spot. Has the ball bounced off the edge of that flat wooden bat, and bounced to the right corner of the sandy area where the action takes place? We in cricket call that a "arm ball." And we call that flat wooden bat a "beamer" and the right corner "the Doosra."

At least this time. Next play -- if we decide to call it a "play" -- we'll call them "the dropsy bout," "hookly-too" and "the manx" respectively. Us Americans won't know the difference. The Brit and Indian guys over the corner just exchanged high-fives. Or whatever cricketers call that.

A Brit friend of ours can give or take cricket but loves listening to cricket sportscasts. That's often because they have very little to do with cricket. Listen to cricket broadcasters lose their shit over a double entendre from the phrase "a leg over" (a Britishism for gettin' busy) and an unfortunate fishing metaphor.

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On the 14th-stage of the Tour de France, Garmin-Slipstream chased down George Hincapie to deny him the yellow jersey. I already disliked Garmin because of their team manager's sideburns, but this gives me a more serious reason to dislike them.

My favorite quote on the brouhaha is from Bob Roll:

“I think they are going to rue the day that they chased down George. The payback will be substantial and it will be swift. Reprisals will be Old Testament-style.”

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...what Batman might have been like had he been Filipino.

This Batman seems so much more fun than raspy Christian Bale.

Thanks io9.

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Between riots in the northwest, an earthquake and a bunch of economic stuff, there's a lot going on in China. But that shouldn't stop us from exploring the weird memes of a deeply weird country. Here's the latest: A 66-year-old man who, pissed off at the suicide candidate sitting atop a local bridge and snarling traffic, scampered up the bridge and gave the guy a push. (Yes, there's emergency padding awaiting the thwarted suicider, who lived with only a few injuries. I didn't know that the first time I saw it and thought it would be a snuff thing.)

Then this week a guy in his 70s took action against the people who consistently run a local red light. Cheered on by a crowd, he picked up a brick and began smashing cars. (Translated link, sorta, here.)

Moral of the story: Don't fuck with old people here.

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Last night I went to go see a Sitelines performance at One Chase Manhattan Plaza. As my date and I were walking back across the Brooklyn Bridge, we noticed a helicopter hovering just south of the bridge. I said, "looks like they're filming something," while Becky speculated that they were looking for a jumper.

When we get to the western pylon, there was a guy standing there with a lot of camera equipment smoking a cigarette. I was like, "hey, what's going on here?" He gets a kind of funny look on his face and says, "Neil Diamond's being filmed on the bridge." I was like, "no way. Can we get through?" He says, "yes." I say, "will we actually see Neil Diamond." He says, "yes" and we continue on walking.

Becky and I spent the next half of the span talking about whether we'd actually see Neil Diamond. She thought the camera guy was fucking with us. I was of the mind that if a camera guy was going to fuck with us, he wouldn't pick Neil Diamond. Sure enough, as we hit the center of the span, we see guys with big light boxes and, standing there, was Neil Diamond. I really wanted to yell, "Neil! I love you!", but he was talking to a crew member about the shot and we were only about three feet from him. That's really to close to yell, without being a really creepy fan.

The obligatory celeb sighting comment: he's shorter than I expected.

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Riding into work today, I saw this strange vehicle on Luquer Street. I was like, "NYC*Scout...WTF?" It turns out they've been around for nearly two years now to monitor street conditions.

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When I was riding home on the 4th of July, I came across the Afro-Punk Festival. Having grown up and lived most my life in college towns with rock scenes, I've always known a couple black punk/skaters, but it was amazing coming across a festival dedicated to them.

On Saturday, I caught the Mosh Pit Generals, an entertaining, if not particularly good, mixture of hip-hop, punk and ska. Yesterday, however, I was blown away by Janelle Monae. At points channelling Siouxsie Sioux and at other points James Brown, I started out thinking, "man, she's pretty good." By the time she jumped into the crowd during her last song, I wasn't thinking. I just had my hands up yelling. She was awesome.

She's a Kansan, too!

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On Saturday, I went to the Younger Than Jesus exhibition at the new museum. A lot of it was meh and sometimes the audio from the installations bled into each other.

There were, however, two video installations that I really liked. One was Cyprien Gaillard's work Desniansky Raion. Here are two excerpts from it:

The other was Keren Cytter's funny Der Spiegel (NSFW), which was playing on a continuous loop.

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I promise we're not copying. We've been planning for months!

This post is primarily for Dr. No, but weigh should you feel the call, Norlosers.

Honey Badger:

Karin the realtor took me around North Point, Fortress Hill and Tin Hau. In general, the stuff closer to the park turned out to be nicer and cheaper. Not sure why this is, though Karin theorized it's because North Point holds a lot of appeal for locals. The first five places are in Fortress Hill, the rest in Tin Hau.

One note on the market: It's back. I didn't see any steals like you saw when you hit the market with Stef a few months back. Part of this is the China stimulus package. Mainlanders are back in the market in the big way, which drives up the price of new stuff, and that ripples all the way down. Also, I think a lot of locals decided the market was down enough and started buying.

Also of note: The Tin Hau leg was enlightening in that there's a strip of restaurants behind the AIA building I've never noticed before. There's a burgers-and-beer place as well as a Vietnamese banh mi stand. Banh mis are pretty good. I'll bring back a report on the burgers.

So here's what I saw (Google map links embedded in title):

City Garden

• Asking Price: HK$16,800
• Details: 723 sq ft; two bedroom/1 bedroom; 8th floor
• Pluses: Sweet view of the harbor; supermarket, drugstore and Lei Garden restaurant right downstairs, nice neighborhood
• Minuses: Looks old; right over the highway

Here's what you see when you walk in:

Could those floors be any shinier? So it's not bad layout. Rectangular, with a living area that reaches the western wall of the building and has a northern face overlooking the harbor. A bedroom on either side.

Nice view of Kowloon:

But right over the highway. Karin points out both bedrooms have double glass:

Kitchen is tiny. Not much bigger than current kitchen:

Decent storage:

I thought I shot the bathroom, but I guess I didn't.

My verdict: I really like the area, but the whole thing was sort of shabby and run-down. The countertops were rough and cracked. And that kitchen: divorce-inducing small. I say pass.

Provident Centre

• Asking Price: HK$18,000
• Details: 952 sq ft; 3 bedroom/2 bath; 4th floor
• Pluses: Your longed-for second bathroom, pretty decent location, big, closet, pool
• Minuses: No bathtub, no view, pretty charmless

This place was under construction, so it's hard to tell what the final product will look like:

Layout is sorta like a Q-tip -- Living area and kitchen on one side, a short hallway with closet that leads to bedroom area. Second bathroom is off master bedroom.

Here's the best view the place can offer:

Bathroom serviceable. Note stickers!

Living room was decent size -- this photo doesn't do it justice:

Decent storage space in the bedrooms:

I don't remember anything about the kitchen.

My impression: So it's big, and I think you should take a look. It's third on my list. But it just didn't look very pleasant. A bit run-down, no light. I left it thinking it met most of our needs but it just wasn't exciting.

Fu Kar Court -- Three different apartments

First Apartment

• Asking Price: HK$18,000
• Details: 773 sq ft; 3 bedroom, 2 bath; 29th floor
• Pluses: Apparently there's an elevator down to the Fortress Hill MTR station, but I didn't check it out. Not one but two bathtubs!
• Minuses: Could the kitchen be any frakkin' smaller? As it stands, there's enough room to turn around, and that's just too much room.

I looked at three place in Fu Kar Court, a high rise about 30 years old. They differed in details but had some similarities: lotsa bedroom space, not much living space. It's a big building with a crappy supermarket downstairs, but hey, cool sliding glass down at the entrance. Like a downscale Star Trek set, with prize stamps good for a Mickey Mouse watch. Still, each apartment was quiet, which was nice.

Here's what you see when you walk into the first one:

Layout, for all of them -- door opens to the smallish living area, with kitchen (two small, one big) to the right. The hallway you see leads down two three smallish or two largish bedrooms.

Living area a bit on the dark side. I'm spoiled with our current big window. By contrast, the living room's window:

Bathrooms in blue and yellow! You could take two baths:

Did I mention the small kitchen? Though admittedly it looks bigger in this photo than our current kitchen:

Here's a bedroom:

I didn't make any notes on storage. I remember not being wild about the place, both for its charmlessness and its relatively high price. I don't recommend a second look unless our real-estate hunt goes goat rodeo on us and we need to lower our bar.

Second Place

Asking Price: HK$16,800

Details: 808 sq ft; two bedrooms/one bath/26th floor

Pluses: Open kitchen, build-in AV area for our electronic shit, open kitchen(!); lotsa closets

Minuses: No tub, same charmless view as the others, small living area

Best of the Fu Kar places. Here's what you see when you walk in:

That glass to the left is the AV setup:

View is green but nothing to write home about:

I couldn't believe the size of this bedroom. Karin said it had been a three bedroom and the landlord knocked down a wall. Didn't occur to me then, but I wonder now if there's photo-shoot space here:

Bathroom modern and clean but again not terribly notable:

Both bedrooms pretty decent closet-wise:

I know I took photos of the kitchen but I can't find them. So I'll do my best: It's integrated with the living area. You know, "for foreign people." Part of it is recessed. I think that was the original kitchen and the owners decided it was too criminally small. Appliances were modern. Dammit, where's the photo?

Verdict: I put it fourth on my list. Maybe worth a look, but I think other places are better.

Third Place

Asking Price: HK$19,000

Details: 773 sq ft; 3 bed/2 bath; 23rd floor

Pluses: Open kitchen, wood floors, tub, interesting detailing in living room

Minuses: Price, 0 closets/cabinets

Same rough layout as the other two. Entrance:

Note the odd sci-fi lighting:

Newish kitchen, open like the last place but not as big:

Bedrooms not notable:

I would consider this place but for two major drawbacks: 1) Price and 2) Lack of storage space.

Maison Garden

• Asking Price: HK$16,800
• Details: 795 sq ft; 2 bed/1 bath; 10th floor
• Pluses: Everything's new and trim; a closet big enough to call an amah's room (and it has a mattress too. Un-frakkin'-real); big kitchen, view that's just as good as our current view
• Minuses: No tub, we'd need a wardrobe or two, no new neighborhood to explore

This place is two blocks from us, on the same block as Dennis' wine store. I could be wrong, but I think it's the same building where Colette and Josh live. As I recall, that big space on the roof was public? Worth asking Karin when you go, and maybe she can take you up there.

The entrance:

A mirror at the entrance, showing the door to the kitchen. Say hello!

Below the mirror, drawer space:

The kitchen. You can't see it from here, but it goes back to the right, where there's a big modern refrigerator. The landlord told me there had been an amah's toilet back there but she took it out.

Bathroom. Nothing special, but clean and new:

View from the bedroom. Look familiar? Basically, we lose a chunk of the park but gain a piece of the bay.

The closet/amah's room. Just amazing:

This is the one place where I met the owner, a middle-aged woman named Winnie. Winnie moved into the place yet weeks ago, she said, thinking she and her mother could live there together. But her mother died, so she's moving to a tiny place in Causeway Bay. She wants to meet her tenants, so we agreed she'd try to meet with you Monday after next.

The place isn't perfect, but it's the place that gave me the best vibes, and the one I put at the top of my list. It's basically like our current place, but cleaner, newer, bigger and better lit. The living area doesn't have our stellar view, but the bedrooms approximate the experience. The kitchen and the closet really drew me. The big drawbacks are the lack of built-in drawers and hanging space -- we'd need one, probably two, wardrobes. We'd also need an AV setup, though that's true of most of the places we've looked.

Harbour Heights -- three locations

First Apartment

• Asking Price: HK$15,500
• Details: 710 sq ft; 2 bed/1 bath; 27th floor
• Pluses: Nice neighborhood, kitchen seems to go on for miles, tub
• Minuses: A bit on the old, run-down side

I looked at three places here, in a development in Tin Hau on the cusp of Fortress Hill, just a bit north of the hotel where we had that Singaporean New Year's lunch with Elana a few months back. No pool or clubhouse or anything, but the grounds are nice and it's near the water, though none of the places I looked at have a Central or a water view.

Hello first apartment:

Holy hell you could live in that kitchen. Karin says some people who live in such places put their amah in the kitchen. To which I shake my head yet again at the people here:

Decent living area, with a decent view of North Point:

Decent closet space in the bedrooms:

Bathroom ok, with your longed-for tub:

This place is second on my list. Not newish, not spectacular, not as pretty as the Maison Garden flat. A bit smaller, too. But the price is pretty good, and that kitchen will lessen the chance of divorce. I'm guessing we could bargain hard for this one and get a nicely lower price. If we pass on it, I'm going to suggest it to Tammie and Alex.

Second Place

• Asking Price: HK$15,000
• Details: Same as first place, but on 34th floor

Say hello, second place:

Very similar to the first place, though shabbier. Example: the kitchen

Nice industrial view:

Yeah, closets:

Similar bathroom:

Verdict: Pretty charmless, but economical if we need it.

Third Place

Same, except asking HK$15,000, and on 34th floor. And a dizzying tiled floor:

So that's the story. I would say:

1) Maison Garden

2) First Harbour Heights place

3) Provident Center

4) Second Fu Kar place

What do you think?

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My neighbor Jacob, with whom Mr. Guapo and I drank old-fashioneds when he was in town, had good things to say about the movie "Dead Snow."

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Somebody used the phrase on Phog.net this week to describe Xavier Henry's apparently slippery commitment to play for Kansas. I've never heard it before, and I love it.

If it's new to you to, it means something has devolved into a total clusterfuck. Or as Urban Dictionary says, "the most polite term used by aviation people (and others in higher risk situations) to describe a scenario that requires about 100 things to go right at once if you intend to walk away from it."

The phrase leaves me with a mental image of rodeo grounds in ruins, the ground thick with wandering, bleating goats, and a rodeo clown, sitting mud-covered in the center, crying.

Like all good band names, it's been taken.

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My next door neighbor is going back to school and so she got a two bedroom apartment in Prospect Heights so she could save money with a roommate. I'm tired of the grit and trash that blows off the BQE and Prospect Expressway and living in the basement.

We were hanging out on the stoop on Monday night before she moved and she said, you should totally be my roommate. Beery hellx was like, "Yeah! Awesome!" Sober hellx was like, "Ummm...maybe. Where is it again?" Decisive hellx was like, "Fuck this, I'm out."

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