The following are observations from my recent business trip to Monterrey, Mexico:

New airport rule: All airports should have two of the following three: Harlan's BBQ and Country Breakfast, Bubba's Bayou Bar and Grill, and/or an interfaith chapel open for all, 24 hours a day and announced every hour over the PA system. Houston International has all three and is now my all-time favorite airport.

Homer Simpson dubbed into Spanish has a Mexican voice that sounds just like Homer Simpson would sound if he were Mexican, not how American Homer would sound speaking Spanish. Re-read the last sentence. It's deep, man, believe me.

I heard a teenage Mexican Pearl Jam that wasn't too bad and a teenage Mexican Green Day that wasn't too good. They both were playing underneath a 30 story tall, red concrete monolith with a rotating green laser on top. That post-modern Mexican architecture is pretty understated, really.

There are four Wal-marts in Monterrey and according to my taxi driver, people like them and shop there a lot.

Traditional Mexican breakfast is big. I had made-to-order omelette with chorizo and tomato, fajitas, refried beans, corn tortillas in cheese/tomato/cream sauce, fruit, yogurt, coffee and juice each morning. Monterrey's specialty is Cabrito, which is whole roasted baby goat, but I didn't have much luck tracking it down. Coincedentally, I have come to the conclusion that Montezuma must have been from Monterrey. And now he lives at my house.

The hotel I stayed at was very elegant, colonial period with wood paneling and chandeliers. It also had a bar band very much like Merf and the Merf-Tones. The band had 2 keyboards, a bass, drums and singer. One of the keyboards had a velvet cloth hanging over the front with the band's name and phone number on it. It's very disconcerting to sit at a carved wood, brass and marble bar, under 20 foot ceilings, in the Mexican high plains/desert and hear "Who'll Stop the Rain" by Creedance Clearwater Revival on synthesizer.

Maybe I'm just a country rube, but cuban cigars still pretty much taste like burnt ass. I sure am a sucker for that burnt ass taste, tho.

Local cafe musicians sing "Dust In the Wind" by Kansas without any irony. Local cafe patrons ironically mistook the song for Hotel California by the Eagles. I corrected the women, who turned out to be teachers at a local community college with limited understanding of English, thereby proving that I'm not above lording my musical knowledge over absolutely anyone, anytime.

The Association of Mexican Hydraulics doesn't have anything to do with Chevies.

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Saw the movie. Very good. All I have to say is that no matter what good things I do in my life I will never, ever get a nickname nearly as cool as Earl "Chunk 'a Funk" Van Dyke.

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i still hear the chanting now:

ov..er...rat...ed...clap..clap..clap.clap.clap

mary began a, "you want our coach" chant, which helped, but did not kill the pain.

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To quote The Simpsons' Kent Brockman, as he questioned an expert on air:

"Professor, is this time for panic and mayhem in the streets?"

(Note the expert replied, "Yes it is, Kent.")

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ABC News examines (superficially, naturally) whether blackpeopleloveus.com is funny or racist.

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The Department of Justice is charging alternative news weeklies of pursuing illegal business practices. Do you think this is a legitimate case or simply the Bushies going after people who publish This Modern World?

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Realizing the leadership vacuum in the Democratic party, I've wondered whether I should do my part. And why not? The nation's political system ultimately is a participatory one. If someone doesn't raise his hand and take on the mantle of leadership, nobody will. Imagine if Abraham Lincoln had remained a country lawyer. If Harry S Truman had sought the principal's office instead of a much higher calling. If George W. had decided his face needed to nestle forever in the coke-coated cleavage of a West Houston pole dancer. They heard the trumpet call of destiny. And dammit, so have I.

Still, as I mulled a bid to pull the Donkeys out of the long dark appropriations hearing of their souls, I thought of the many stances I hold that some may find controversial. Similar questions dog San Francisco Democrat Nancy Pelosi. Will they dog me? Here's my platform, and tell me what you think:

1) Naked Butt-Fucking in the Streets
Laws governing sexual conduct have no place in 21st century America and should be abolished. Plus, freeing the fetters of public decency is good for the economy. Nothing follows a good hour of public belly-slapping than purchasing a steaming plate of Moons Over My Hammy over at the Denny's.

2) Give A Kid Some Crack, America
Social ostracism is one of the greatest plagues of our time. As everybody knows, the most popular students use drugs. The unpopular kids don't. These panty-wads feel alienated, alone and curiously unstrung out. C'mon, America. Help a loser kid.

3) Tanks, Not Toilets
In this time of terror, America must sacrifice. Wanna help your country? Give up your porcelain to the war effort. Yes, you can hold it that long.

4) Round Up the Clowns
Don't like 'em? Neither do I.

5) Captain Sensible for Education Secretary
Whether he's fronting the Damned, singing "South Pacific" ditties or pissing in the general direction of his audience, the Captain has a lot to say. It's about time we let him say it.

(And for those of you who clicked the "South Pacific" link -- am I the only person who thinks finding that on a federal web site is kinda creepy?)

My platform may not make me popular. But it's a principled man who stands by his principals. Or something like that.

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There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth over a rumor portending a "devastation" of the Kansas basketball program at Phog.net.

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This web site defies description, so I won't even try.

I laughed, I cried, I pitied my own country. But man, there's some funny shit on that site.

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"I'm not afraid of the coach; I'm afraid of facing their players. If I was going against Coach Williams, I'd have an opportunity to post him up because he's a little smaller than me."
-- UNC coach Matt Doherty on his upcoming game against Kansas

Also, Langford made SI's starting five.

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Okay, boys. There's only one way to settle this. Who's the bigger babe (in no particular order:)

Janie?

Ellen?

The correct answer? Any chick with a Mac is hot...

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So continue the other timeless rites of autumn.

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For NYC metro Jayhawk fans, here's info on the NYMAC's pre-Preseason NIT gatherings:

O'Reilly's Townhouse on 35th between 5th and 6th at 5pm on Wednesday and Friday.

Have you all noticed the weather reports at the LJW's KU sports page? If not, check them out. I would say it's on par with the weather info at The Morning News.

Update:

Al Bohl will be at O'Reilly's and there'll be a two-hour $15 open bar and finger foods for Kansas Alumni. Link here.

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I saw the commercial and thought it was entertaining, but I didn't realize that Ellen Feiss was now a cult hero.

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Winged angels' runway walk
So unclothed the mandarins balk

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My takeaway from this arresting piece of flash animation: If you use Kikkoman soy sauce, your head will turn into a fish. Plus, you'll get laid.

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A boat
Provides a bunk
Afloat in luxury
How lucky, the homeless today
Love Boat?**

* My tolerance for Hellx's haiku-senryu-seppuku-whatever intolerance wears thin. But I have learned what a cinquain is...

**It ain't pentameter, Hellx, but it's iambic (except for the last line).

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* Still sensitive to a certain Hellx. Tetractys info here.

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From KU's athletic department website:

The unselfish 1990 Kansas team put the Jayhawks back in the national spotlight with its performance in the Preseason NIT. Kansas went into the Preseason NIT without much fanfare, unranked in any of the preseason polls. But after a win over Alabama-Birmingham, Kansas went on an unbelievable roll. KU knocked off Shaquille O'Neal and No. 2 LSU in Baton Rouge. Then it beat No. 1 UNLV. To cap it off, the Jayhawks captured the title against St. John's in Madison Square Garden. Some time later, ESPN executive Loren Mathews told Williams that the NIT was going to more structured pairings. Mathews said in Max And The Jayhawks, "one year we sent some dog down to LSU... and beat them." Williams responded: "You blankety-blank. That dog was Kansas."

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I was just checking out the NCAA record book and the top three teams in all-time wins are:

Kentucky -- 1,817
UNC -- 1,789
Kansas -- 1,771

If KU wins 19 more games than UNC, we move into second place all-time. I don't think that this is likely given UNC's impressive game last night, but if we can just win four or five more games a season than UNC then Kansas could be in the number two spot in five years or so. Not only that, but Kentucky lost an exhibition game last night to Team Nike. We might gain ground on the top spot this year.

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Salon recently published an essay by Keith Olberman where he apologizes for his contentious departure from ESPN.

via SportsPages.com

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The Kansas Jayhawks begin their season today at historic Allen Field House against Holy Cross. ESPN calls Kansas the "class of this field" and Paul Pierce has been talking smack. Lay down your own smack here. Rock Chalk Jayhawk Go KU!

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Top cops have the right to pry
When terrorism guides your mind's eye
Now they can hide among your slacks
And sift through your mail if your allegiance lacks

* Cuz a certain Hellx gets panty-chafed by haiku.

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Just who, exactly, is responsible for unleashing Leonard Nimoy upon an unsuspecting world?

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Back when I first noticed the resurgence of the haiku, I thought it was a funny little literary device. No longer. Now the explosion of mostly bad haiku actually causes me physical pain. Haiku is more complicated than most people understand and most compositions that are referred to as "haiku" are actually senryu. This little bit of knowledge has allowed me to become even more insufferable than I normally am:

A PORTRAIT IN POETRY WITH FUNK
Madison Capital Times; Madison, Wis.; Apr 12, 2002; Heather Lee Schroeder;

Sub Title: [ALL Edition]
Column Name: LIT.
Start Page: 9A
ISSN: 07494068

Full Text:
Copyright Madison Capital Times Apr 12, 2002

Mea culpa

I stand corrected last week's haiku column:

"Technically, the poems that you are requesting are not haiku (www.scifaiku.com/haiku/definitions.html#haiku), but would be more accurately described as senryu (www.scifaiku.com/haiku/ definitions.html#senryu)."

So what's the difference?

A haiku is a 17 syllable (or less) poem about nature. According to the Web site that he directed me to, a haiku "generally follow(s) the principles of minimalism and immediacy. Immediacy refers to the sense of a scene being directly presented to your senses. A haiku tries to capture a concrete image in place and time."

A senryu, in contrast, is "structurally identical to haiku, that is, a 5-7-5 poem, but has a much more flexible content, in particular discussing human emotions and relationships as opposed to nature themes."

He is right, of course. We are dealing with senryus here.

Despite my error, I do hope Lit. readers will keep submitting their offerings because the ones that have already arrived are a wonderful testament to creativity and originality - eliciting both winces and laughs.

Whatever happened to iambic pentameter?

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Warriors in the sand
Dotting I's and crossing Ts.
Make it look real, boys.

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The Gore Gore Girls have a new album out. No word yet on something new from the Shins, but here's a mellow live recording of Caring is Creepy. The Librarians are getting some good press and are kicking out the jams on their debut album. Stereo Total is on tour now in the US. I picked up their latest album earlier this week.

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Whether it was the the north basket for Indiana, Section 2B where I watched KSU end KU's home winning streak in 1988, Section 15 where my parents sit now, or Section E where I sat with a junior high school friend, I have never sat in a bad seat in Allen Field House. Check out the view from any seat in the old barn here.

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Hu Jintao. Da Man.
Who is this well-groomed Commie?
An unknown tango.

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Plus, the UCLA Bruins got blown out by the Branch West Basketball Academy, whoever the hell they are. Branch West players got a $25 bonus for the victory. UCLA should look into where Branch West gets its players because they're cheaper than the players UCLA brings in. Naturally, some Bruins fans aren't too happy.

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A couple hours ago I submitted a post that began with this:

I was all set to make fun of this article. And I still haven't read it closely. But this effort to reconcile Led Zeppelin with female rock fans seems surprisingly readable...

I've had a chance to read it, and I take it all back. Though I do have some favorite lines, like the following:

In so much of what has been written about hard rock music, old gender dualities and notions of sexuality remain intact. Deena Weinstein (1991) characterizes heavy-metal culture as "masculinist" and argues that it is largely about male bonding. On the subject of sexuality in metal she states: "Sex, in heavy metal's discourse is sweaty, fun, and without commitments.... W.A.S.P.'s infamous `Animal (F**k Like a Beast)' ... and the Scorpion's `Animal Magnetism' stress the carnality and underscore the absence of a spiritual element in sexual activity," mentioning Led Zeppelin's "You Shook Me" as an example of such physicality, and calling this kind of sex "an emblem of youthful male power."(18) John Shepherd's discussion of vocal timbre and gender in popular music (first published 1987; reprinted in 1991) is based on the Frith/McRobbie division between cock rock and sweeter-sounding genres, which Shepherd classifies as the "woman as nurturer" sound (a detailed discussion of Shepherd's categories appears below as part of my musical analysis).(19)

Goes to show: cock rock and chicks don't mix after all.

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Green Bay Packers fans can learn after all. Hellx, I'm proud of your adopted people.

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the espn full court package has really stepped up this year by covering the ku/washburn game. what can be said about collison--as you rember, the bastard love child of hellx and myself. stud. hinrich...stud...miles...v.good. but watching my first game really layed out some worries for me.
i knew we are not deep, but man, simien being injury prone leaves us with basicaly a 3 guard lineup again. graves is one big dude, but big in the ostertag kinda way--hopefully he can step up as the season comes along. handling the ball is also a problem. if kirk and aaron arn't on the court, there seems to be confusion on offense.

this might not be so bad, how many times do i remember saying, oh yeah, they are good, but we are the deeper team. maybe playing fewer players will actually make those guys step up and want it more. we will see.

the game overall was fun, and it is likely the only time shawnee heights alumni will get so much air time.

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Why, it's Ferguson W. Darling, of course. I haven't scrutinized his views too carefully, though I note that he confuses the words "weather" and "whether" in his description of them. Mostly, I just like his name and his polling method. Note that, unlike most pollsters, he encountered few difficulties in taking the pulse of Real America.

I like him for a second reason: His command of HTML makes mine look positively masterful.

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"It's different," says the former Kansas power forward. "We're 0-6 now. I only lost four games the whole year last year (at Kansas). It's a change, but it's an 82-game season. A lot can change.''

Gooden's Memphis Grizzles lost a sloppy one to Sacramento.

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Lambeau Field's zero tolerance policy means a lot: fans can be ejected or even lose their season tickets. What does this policy hope to protect against? Guns? Fighting? Vikings fans? No, it's...

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By Nick Collison

Home games. We get 16,300 fans, even for exhibition games. Allen Fieldhouse is already packed when we walk in. The best part is when we go on a run and it gets so loud that you can't hear, which doesn't even make any sense.

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Every year the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame looks less like a truly bad idea and more like a post-modern reflection of the state of music today. Next year's inductees (follow the link on the left side of the main page of its truly awful Web site) include the Police, the Clash, AC/DC, Elvis Costello and the Attractions, and the Righteous Brothers.

Interesting choices. Elvis and the Clash are rather obvious. The Righteous Brothers keeps the boomers tuning in. The Police? If your standard for induction is that they changed the face of music, then this one ranks right up there with Forrest Gump, Braveheart, The English Patient and Titanic as Best Picture winners from 1994 to 1997.

But AC/DC? Balls, big hairy ones. We approve. Whole Lotta Rosie to that one.

But what's most telling is that, with the possible exception of the Clash and Angus Young's little crew, none of these people remotely sound like what's being produced today. Looking up on the record shelf of the Hives or Nelly, I don't see a copy of Regatta De Blanc.

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Just to give all you basketball people out there some other things to read about in the aftermath of Tuesday, here's my first ever Norlos.com post...

It seems the Michigan men's basketball program has fessed up to the booster payments and all that stuff from the "Fab Five" era. And boy, did they go all out.

Yikes.

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Remember Dan? The Libertarian for the U.S. House who sought to break campaign-finance laws, accused his opponent of building buffet boats, and boasted a kick-ass campaign commercial? Well, the results are in, and it seems the Man's weighty boot has yet again kicked the body politic in the nads.

Precincts reporting: 99.65 %
U.S. House District 5
Ron Chapman (Dem) 55680
Jeb Hensarling (GOP) 80910
Thomas J. Kemper (Grn) 853
Dan Michalski (Lib) 1281

Dan's own accounting:
Votes for Hensarling - 61,976
Votes for Dan - 1,062
Butts kissed by Hensarling - 24,479
Butts kissed by Dan - 3
VoteDan T-shirts left for sale - 1

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Here's some music to pick up all of you sad little Democrats out there.

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Emocapella! Including favorites such as: Even Hitler had a Girlfriend (wmv file), Just a Friend, Fuck Her Gently, and Cute Without the E (all mp3s).

Shit, now I'm going to have to go home and listen to the Mr. T Experience after work.

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Post number two. Oh by the way, I'm going to have a new boss. Now that the entire Wisconsin Legislature is in the hands of the Republicans, it should make for some interesting times around here.

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...when Mary needed protecting from the predatory machinations of Clay? Alas, it was too late for Nora by the time she moved to New York. She was already under the evil spell of the latino love muscle.

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I'm not sure whether this is specific to just NY State, but in order to maintain a ballot line for four years, a party must have 50,000 votes in the Governor's race. Perhaps the Liberal Party would have had a better shot to stay in existence if they had chosen McCall instead of Cuomo. Then, they could have really nailed their chances - by holding a raffle, like the Working Families Party. After all, that's what all good citizens need in order to vote - incentive.

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Polls close at 6 pm here in the Empire State. It's now 5:44 and counting. I sit at my desk in Manhattan, about 35 minutes by subway and an additional 15 minutes of walking from my usual polling place.

That's right. I end the day voteless.

It was tough at first. Every time I closed my eyes I saw the accusing (yet alluring) eyes of Nydia Velasquez. But Nydia and her fie-on-thee look gradually faded as I went about my usual day's business. Now evening draws near, and I've yet to vote. It's liberating, in fact. Quite like wearing a skirt.

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Tuesday Morning Quarterback has named Patrick Mannelly as the best longsnapper in the NFL. What's interesting about Patrick, other than the fact that he can deliver a 15 yard snap with the laces up, down or out depending on the receiver's preference, is that he is represented by Kevin Gold, an agent who only works with longsnappers. Gold operates a site at longsnap.com that is dedicated to longsnapping with tips and player profiles.

Personally, I found the player profiles to be the most interesting part of the site. As somebody who works with words for a living, I found it very interesting to see how people who toss fifteen yard passes between their legs use words to describe themselves. If you want to find out if you have what it takes to be a longsnapper, try these drills.

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In one post he sounds like he's not voting and in the next he's talking about his usual polling place. I'm confused. What I'm not confused about is my agenda for the day. Later today, I'll walk down the block and take a right to vote at the Williamson-Marquette Neighborhood Community Center. Then, after I vote, I'm going to stand outside in the cold and the rain holding a sign encouraging people to vote for Adam Benedetto. Adam's not going to win, but he's a friend and a pretty entertaining guy. One interesting fact that I learned from Adam is that it only costs $85 to get a 30 second spot during the Simpsons. I am so there.

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My usual polling place is a high school right next to Prospect Parkway. It's not far from my new apartment at all. The old ladies there are very nice. In November 2000, they ooohed and aahed over the turnout. "It hasn't been this busy since Kennedy," said one.

Ugh.

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Those who know me know that, just like Hitler, I've soured on the whole voting-elections-democratic process bullshit. None of the candidates appeal to me. The whole thing isn't really a "democracy" anyway. All the campaigning doesn't help matters. You try being a card-carrying union member, a registered Democrat, having a Spanish name and living in a Latin American neighborhood in Brooklyn, NY. Baby, I am popular.

So tomorrow, I won't vote.

The sad thing is, I actually would swallow my pride and indignation and vote. If I could. Thing is, I don't know where.

This is not a laughing matter. New York City has dozens upon dozens of political districts. Cross a street, and you've switched state senators. Confused, I went to the web site of the League of Women Voters and plugged in my Zip code. It thought for a while, then told me it all depends on my Zip+4. You know, the formidable four-digit extension that I'm afraid to use for fear that, once unleashed, it couldn't be controlled. So I tracked down the Zip+4 and put it in. The site thought and thought and thought, then told me I live in one of three districts.

Gee, thanks.

I try to explain this to the nice people who call me seeking my votes. A very nice woman called the other day, just to remind me that if I don't vote for Alan Hevesi as state controller, his opponent would summon an unending winter and unleash packs of ravenous winter wolves. I told her that's terrible, but I couldn't vote because I'm not sure where I live. She didn't linger. Maybe other people tell her the same thing.

I've tried to explain this to the many people who call asking me to vote for George. I can't remember George's last name, or what he's running for. From the tone of the messages I get, it must be an extremely important position. First his mother called. She sounded very pleasant. I told her that I'm sure her son is a very nice man, but since I moved eight blocks from where I lived before I have no idea where to vote or even if I have the right to vote for George. But she didn't listen, because she was a recording. Then a real live woman called, but I told her that George's mother wouldn't answer my questions so I wasn't going to talk to her either. Then I slammed the phone down. It felt good.

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Saturday was a pretty quiet day for me. I watched football, wandered around my neighborhood and saw a couple of bands. What I missed was a gigantic riot on State Street.

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