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Barrister Jubril
The scam that started it all. A tale of Hello Kitty, fortified wine and a threat from Pre-Paid Legal Services.

Barry Thomas Will be Subjected to Past Life Regression
Mr. Barry Thomas and his father have suffered at the hands of the Mugabe regime. As we all know, Robert Mugabe has pretty much fucked Zimbabwe up the ass with his land redistribution program and various and sundry forms of thuggery. But Robert Mugabe never had to contend with a short-term memory impaired stoner who peddles his own line of aromatherapy products and insists his clueless correspondent must undergo intense (albeit amateurish) past-life-regression therapy. Let's see how this one pans out.

Body By Jake
Princeton Wilfred didn't buy the Body by Jake angle, but it looks like Mark David will. Read what happens as I attempt to rescue his life.

Laszlo Novotny
What happens when well-meaning Nigerian scamsters meet up with a Czech-speaking poet who banks at the J. Alfred Prufrock Savings & Loan? Spelling may never recover.

Let's Win Another Lottery!
...and the hits just keep comin'

Let's Win the Lottery
A new face for an age-old scam.

Mrs. Fatima
Hijacked breasts. A manservant's supple fingers. Little Jofey's malt liquor. And finally, sticking the monies in the arsh.

Nigerian Scams
The 419 Coalition
Scams? Against the law in Nigeria? Who knew?

Urban Legends
Turns out those Nigerian scams may be too good to be true.

NigerianScams.org
Like the best Nigerian scammers themselves, inscrutable and barely literate.

The Secret Service
The men in black are on the case.

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Barry Thomas Will be Subjected to Past Life Regression
September 21, 2003
----- Original Message ----- From: barrythomas1670@netscape.net Sent: Sunday, September 21, 2003 8:50 PM To: rbhickam82@msn.com Subject: URGENT ASSISTANCE FROM:BARRY THOMAS TEL NO: +31-620888375 REPLY:barrythomas66@netscape.com

URGENT ASSISTANCE

YOU MAY BE SURPRISE TO RECIEVE THIS LETTER FROM ME SINCE YOU DO NOT KNOW ME PERSONALLY. THE PURPOSE OF INTRODUCTION IS THAT I AM BARRY THOMAS. THE FIRST SON OF DR. IMADE THOMAS WHO WAS RECENTLY MURDERED IN THE LAND DISPUTE IN ZIMBABWE. I WAS FURNISHED WTH VIABLE INFORMATION FROM THE WORLD TRADE CENTRE HERE IN AMSTERDAM-HOLLAND AND DECIDED TO WRITE YOU.

BEFORE THE DEATH OF MY FATHER, HE HAD TAKEN ME TO AMSTERDAM TO DEPOSIT THE SUM OF SIXTEEN MILLION DOLLARS(16.000,000.00) IN A SECURITY COMPANY, AS IF HE FORSAW THE LOOMING DANGER IN ZIMBABWE. THIS MONEY WAS DEPOSITED IN A BOX AS GEMSTONES TO AVOID MUCH DEMURRAGE FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY.
THIS AMOUT WAS MENT FOR PURCHASE OF NEW MACHINES AND CHEMICALS FOR THE FARMS AND ESTABLISHMENT OF A NEW SWAZILAND.

THE LAND PROBLEM CAME WHEN ZIMBABWE PRESIDENT MR. ROBERT MUGABE, INTRODUCED A NEW LAND ACT THAT WHOLLY AFFECTED WHITE RICH FARMERS AND SOME FEW BLACK FARMERS. THIS RESULTED TO THE KILLING AND MOB ACTION BY ZIMBABWE WAR VETERANS AND SOME LUNATICTS IN THE SOCIETY. INFACT, A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE KILLED BECAUSE OF THIS LAND REFORM ACT OF WHICH MY FATHER WAS ONE OF VICTIMS.

IT IS AGAINST THIS BACKGROUND THAT MY FAMILY AND I WHO ARE CURRENTLY STAYING IN AMSTERDAM HAVE DECIDED TO TRANSFER MY FATHER S MONEY TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT SINCE THE NETHERLANDS PROHIBIT A REFUGEE (ASYLUM SEEKER) TO OPEN ANY ACCOUNT OR TO BE INVOLVED IN ANY FINANCIAL TRANSACTION AS THE ELDEST SON OF MY FATHER, I AM SADDLED WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY OF SEEKING A GENUINE FOREIGN ACCOUNT WHERE THIS MONEY COULD BE TRANSFERRED WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF MY GOVERNMENT WHO ARE BENT ON TAKING EVERYTHING WE HAVE GOT. THE NETHERLANDS GOVERNMENT SEEMS TO BE PLAYING ABOUT WITH THEM. I AM FACED WITH THE DILEMMA OF INVESTING THIS AMOUNT OF MONEY IN THE NETHERLANDS FOR THE FEAR OF GOING THROUGH THE SAME EXPERIENCE IN FUTURE SINCE BOTH COUNTRIES HAVE SIMILAR HISTORY. MORE OVER, THE NETHERLANDS FOREIGN EXCHANGE POLICY DOES NOT ALLOW SUCH INVESTMENT FROM ASSYLUM SEEKERS.

AS A BUSINESS MAN, WHOM I HAVE INTRUSTED MY FUTURE AN MY FAMILY IN HIS HANDS, I MUST LET YOU KNOW THAT THE TRANSACTION IS RIKS FREE. IF YOU ACCEPT TO ASSIST ME AND MY FAMILY, ALL I NEED YOU TO DO FOR ME IS TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT AND COME TO AMSTERDAM-HOLLAND, SO THAT YOU CAN OPEN THE NON-RESIDENT ACCOUNT WHICH WILL AID US IN TRANSFERING THE MONEY INTO ANY ACCONT YOU WILL NOMINATE OVERSEAS. THIS MONEY I INTEND TO USE FOR INVESTMENT.

I HAVE OPTIONS TO OFFER YOU, FIRST YOU CAN CHOOSE TO HAVE CERTAIN PERCENTAGE OF THE MONEY FOR NOMINATING YOUR ACCOUNT FOR THE TRANSACTION, OR YOU CAN GO INTO PARTNERSHIP WITH ME FOR A PROPER PROFITABLE INVESTMENT OF THE MONEY IN YOUR COUNTRY WHICH OPTION YOU CHOOSE, FEEL FREE TO NOTIFY ME. I HAVE MAPPED OUT 10% OF THIS MONEY FOR ALL EXPENSES INCURRED IN PROCESSING THIS TRANSACTION. IF YOU DO NOT PREFER A PARTNERSHIP, I AM WILLING TO GIVE YOU 2O% OF THIS MONEY WHILE THE REMAINING 70% WILL BE FOR IN VESTMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY.

PLEASE CONTACT ME IMMIADIATELY ON THE ABOVE TELEPHONE OR EMAIL. IN OTHER FOR US TO DISCUSS FURTHER ON THIS TRANSACTION.

MAY THE ALMIGHTY LORD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY


SINCERELY,

MR. BARRY THOMAS

Our response:

Hi Barry,

I hope this letter finds you and your loved ones in good health. Though I haven’t visited the Netherlands in this life, some of my previous incarnations have lived there so I know it’s a wonderful place.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Robert Brendan Hicksman—at least this time around. As a staunch believer in past-life regression and reincarnation I lay claim to many previous lives, among them Arthur Rimbaud, child-poet extraordinaire, Redd Foxx, raunchy stand-up comedian and star of Sanford and Son and Thomas Edison, inventor of the electric light.

Currently I manufacture my own line of aromatherapy products and make a handsome living selling drug paraphernalia on the side. I’ll be happy to help you out, but I think your terms are a little miserly. I’ll set up an account for you in exchange for 40% of your funds.

Hope to hear from you soon—stay groovy!

Robert Brendan Hicksman